I Have Written

On Putting Words to Intentions and (Some) Actions

Going inward was not a discipline of mine when the year began. On the contrary, the three or four years leading up this one were spent with limbs fully extended, exhausted and exerting great effort, pushing outward so as to not get crushed by what felt like millions of pounds of force pushing inward from all directions. I had to fix the pressure, and that fix came in the form of a much needed career change.

On this side of that job transition, I feel that I’ve been able to participate in a reciprocal, beneficial, and fair exchange of my time and energy in a fulfilling new role, in exchange for having mental and physical energy for myself once again.

Making this transition meant that I needed to preserve what little energy I had after focusing on “the fix” to rest and recharge—to be selfish with my time and energy and resources. I said “no” to a lot, either because I knew I couldn’t commit for fear of being paged by my job on nights and weekends (before changing jobs), or because I simply had no energy to give after meeting my commitments to myself and my partners. I missed a lot of time with friends, family, and my respective communities (tech, beer). For a time, I sacrificed these things so that I could end the year as my best whole self for myself, for my partners, and for the people in my life.

Part of being my best whole self for me was coming back to my first and favorite form of creative expression: writing. I set unrealistic writing goals in 2023 which, in hindsight, were especially aggressive considering I didn’t get to recalibrate my work/life energy expenditures until September.

I did not write what I came to write, neither in the timeframe in which I wanted to write, nor in the quantity.

But I have written.

I have written my intentions. Thanks to a powerful coaching session with the wonderful Jess Amburgey, I crafted an affirmation about my intentions with my writing, and I wrote that affirmation at least once per week for every single week this year. It will come with me into 2024. Quick plug for her: invest in yourself, and get coaching with Jess. She’ll help you sort through all the mental bullshit and get straight to identifying your multipassions and setting useful intentions.

I have written down what I intended to put out into to the world: writing, career coaching, public speaking, and STEM mentorship. I have done each of those things in 2023. The writing is here to stay, as is the public speaking. After taking on six career coaching clients this summer and having a blast working with them, I’ve decided that neither career coaching nor STEM mentorship will come with me into next year (at least, not explicitly or with much time commitment).

I have written love letters to my body. A lot of work has been done to heal the disconnect between my body and me. We gave up alcohol for over a month this summer and have since kept our consumption way down. We have run, cycled, and walked nearly 500 miles this year, and spent nearly 200 hours doing it. We have slept when we needed sleep, for as long as we needed it. We have taken better care of our skin and our self-image. All of this comes forward with me.

I have written love letters to my inner child. We have done the damn work this year. I’ve written about a tiny slice of that here, while the largest portion of those words have been spent in my journal and in my therapy sessions. We have healed, and we’re taking that healing forward.

I have written over 60,000 words across 12 Substack posts, 22 poems on my personal and anonymous Instagram accounts, 3 unpublished Substack articles that healed me so much that I decided I didn’t need to put them out into the world, and 1 historical horror fiction novel (in progress).

I am a writer.

Thank you for reading, and for your love and support. My gratitude for that comes forward, too ❤️ see you on the other side.